


Shard of Memory

by sisterthemoon



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2013-05-23
Packaged: 2017-12-12 19:26:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/815144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisterthemoon/pseuds/sisterthemoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <img/></p>
</div>In the midst of London's final battle, just before the push to the beam, Javik gives Shepard his memory shard and encourages her to add to it. Javik finds her (and the shard) when the remains of the Citadel crash back to earth and he's the only one who can decipher what the shard contains. What did Shepard find worthy enough to record in her final moments?
            </blockquote>





	1. "I have found her."

Javik was the first one to find her body, buried in rubble, her armor scorched nearly beyond recognition. He had already known that Shepard was gone, he'd been able to sense it: a low and mournful note passing like warm velvet over his skin. That he could feel it, taste it over the acrid bitterness that strangled the remains of the Citadel where it had crashed back down to Earth was a testament to the woman's incredible presence. She had sacrificed herself, but she'd known victory before her end had come, and she'd left this life satisfied that she'd been able to save them all, especially her crew, whom she considered her own.

For a moment, just a moment, he hated her with an intensity that burned brighter than all the stars in the galaxy. She had succeeded where he had failed, had turned back the Reapers to save her civilization, and had met her end on her own terms. His jealousy in that moment was as a sharp knife to his flesh, cutting deep before the pain of it made him realize he'd been cut at all.

It only took him a moment to recognize the shard he'd given to her on the eve of the final battle clutched tightly in her hand. Somehow, it was still whole and teeming with the essence of new memories. He reached for it, but paused -- he could feel and hear the approach of the Normandy crew, and though he'd have time to tuck the shard away before calling out, he wasn't sure whether he'd want to subject himself to the onslaught of her memories, in spite of his curiosity about her final moments.

Hearing Major Alenko's voice echoing through the rubble decided for him, however.

Although he'd thought that their relationship had been weakness, that the distraction the Major afforded would cause the Reaper threat to spin out of control because Shepard's attention would be pulled away, Javik could admit now that he'd been wrong. It hadn't happened right away, but when the change had come, it had happened almost overnight; as soon as they had rekindled their relationship, Shepard's focus had sharpened. It was almost as if she'd bent her entire will on conquering the Reapers to ensure a life and a future for Alenko, whether or not she'd be a part of it.

It hadn't been simply the Major, though he had been a convenient scapegoat; there were others to whom Javik felt Shepard had been unduly attached. The fragile pilot, for one: in his time, so many thousands of years before, any being with a condition that could weaken them so severely would have been strangled in his crib or tossed out as fodder for whatever might come ravaging.

Human emotions were useless to him, something that he'd never fully understand, but he could appreciate the power and the strength that it had given her. Thus they all deserved to know what this shard held, Alenko more than most.

The voices of the rescue teams were growing closer. Javik yanked a bloodied and grimy piece of cloth from one of the unfortunates nearby to cover the shard and, as he quickly pulled it out of Shepard's hand, called out, "I have found her."

  


His words sparked the reaction he had known they would -- shouting echoed through the rubble of the Citadel, followed by the swift and heavy footfalls of booted feet running toward him. Though Javik knew the other members of the rescue team had his location on their displays, he called out occasionally even so, providing a verbal confirmation to the technology.

Major Alenko and Lieutenant Vega were the first to arrive, and the N7 candidate had to act quickly to keep his companion on his feet once they saw Shepard's body, even as his own shoulders slumped.

"Aw hell, Lola,” Vega muttered, shaking his head. His mouth opened and closed several times before it finally closed, lips pressed in a thin line as he visibly fought back his emotions.

Alenko, on the other hand, showed no such restraint; tears ran down his face unchecked, and he would have fallen again were it not for Vega’s arm holding him up. He, too, was shaking his head and couldn’t seem to stop, as if his vehement denial would change Shepard’s fate.

Before any of them could speak, Cortez, Garrus, and Tali arrived, followed shortly by Liara, leading the remainder of the crew who were physically able to join in the search, and a team lead by Admiral Hackett. It seemed to Javik that the Admiral aged several years in mere moments once he caught sight of Shepard’s body. He and the Commander’s mother were close, Javik recalled; he imagined that Hackett would have to deliver the bad news to another of Shepard’s loved ones before the day was through.

As he passed, the Admiral rested a brief hand on Alenko’s shoulder and stood before Javik with a respectful nod. “Thank you for locating her. I only wish we’d been able to find her alive.”

The Admiral’s words prompted several choked-back cries from the small collective who had joined them. Hackett waved Vega forward, shaking his head at Kaidan as he, too, tried to step ahead. “Not now, son. Wait with the rest of the crew.”

Javik was puzzled for a moment, until he heard the Admiral’s low command to the Lieutenant. “Help me shift some of this crap off her so we can get her out of here.”

Strong as he was, Vega’s help proved invaluable in moving rubble, but Javik was surprised at how much Hackett had been able to contribute. He was still no fan of most primitives, this Admiral included, but he wasn’t the feeble old man that the Prothean had been expecting.

Once the area had been cleared, Hackett motioned the medical team forward, and finally nodded at Alenko, who approached with reluctant steps. A wave of fresh tears filled the Major’s eyes as he saw the extent of the damage to Shepard’s armor, but he wiped them away swiftly. With the help of the medical personnel, he moved Shepard from the pile of rubble onto the stretcher they’d brought along with them.

Javik knew they’d been hoping she’d be alive when they found her, which is why they’d thought to bring the stretcher; even though she wasn’t in the condition they’d hoped, at least they would be able to return her to her people with as much dignity as possible.

The rescue crew’s demeanor was subdued as they picked their way back through the mess that was all that remained of the Citadel. When they neared the closest operating base, Hackett ordered the stretcher carrying Shepard’s remains to be covered, and ordered the Normandy crew to return to their ship with her. “I’ll handle all these vultures,” the Admiral added. “And the few that are just waiting for word.” With a final salute and nod of respect to the assorted crew, Hackett departed.

After the crew remained clustered around the stretcher showing no signs of moving for several minutes, Javik took charge. “Come,” he said, as gently as he was able, reminding himself that their loss was fresh and delicate handling was called for. “Let us return to the ship.”

His voice startled them into action; Vega and Alenko took the stretcher, while Garrus, Tali, Cortez, and Liara trailed immediately behind. The others stepped in front to clear the path, though Hackett had already drawn their attention, it seemed, for they did not meet anyone else on their way back to the Normandy.


	2. "I really hope this works."

Having retreated to the privacy of his quarters aboard the Normandy -- if it could be called private, given how often people (Shepard, his mind supplied unbidden) had visited in the past -- Javik stood before his pool of water, his hands hovering over it as he tried to center himself. The memory shard he'd taken from Shepard's hand rested on a table behind him, still wrapped in the scrap of fabric he'd ripped away to cover it, lest he read the impressions before he'd prepared himself.

Even here, as isolated as he could make himself while living aboard a ship, he could still feel the weight of the crew's grief at Shepard's death. They had all seen the wreckage of the Citadel, they had known her death was all but a certainty, but finding her body had sharpened the pain of knowing it was possible into knowing it was certain, and the entire ship was rife with heartache.

Once he had closed out the emotions of the other crew aboard the ship as much as he was able, Javik locked the door to his quarters and unwrapped the memory shard, careful not to touch it with his bare hands. When he’d given it to Shepard, he had thought she’d be adding to it in the weeks and months after her victory, not in the unknown time before her death. Although he’d been certain of his choice while standing over her body, now that he was faced with the reality of interacting with the shard, he couldn’t help but hesitate, recalling what had happened when he retrieved his own memories.

After another trip back to his calming pool, Javik returned to the table, steadied himself, and reached out to lay gentle, reverent fingers upon the shard’s surface.

The sudden shift to Shepard’s last memories was a hard jolt to his system, but Javik could see her as clearly as if he’d been standing next to her when she’d used the shard. Although she looked worse clinging to life than she had in death, her voice echoing through the memory was as strong as ever.

_“I really hope this works. I have no idea if anyone’s even going to find this thing, or whether they’ll be able to make it work either. If you’ve come across this and have no idea what it is, find Javik of the Normandy crew and give it to him please.”_

_Shepard’s breathing was labored and she coughed every few words, but her eyes were as bright and determined as ever._

_“Javik, I’m sorry to make you do this. There are a few things I’d like you to do for me, if you can. A few people to speak to. But first...”_

_She closed her eyes and clenched her fist around the shard, shuddering with the effort to continue._

_“The Catalyst was some...construct, an AI, who said that the Reapers were his solution to chaos. They said it was a way to restore order. They...harvest advanced civilizations to preserve...everything, so that synthetics can’t rebel against their creators. It’s...still hazy. I destroyed them, but...it meant destroying all synthetic life. I tried not to, I...it...”_

_Shepard’s breathing hitched as she fought back tears and it took several minutes before she calmed, as much as she was able to._

_“It gave me a choice... to control them... never. We wanted, **needed** them to be gone. I could choose to... synthesize organic and synthetic. I couldn’t... couldn’t make that choice for every being in the galaxy. Not even to end the threat. They said we were ready because of me. What if... what if I was the only one who was ready? I couldn’t. So now... all the synthetics -- EDI, the geth -- they’re all gone. I’m sorry... I’m so sorry. Worse than Bahak.. but I couldn’t make it work any other way.”_

_She stopped speaking, visibly upset and in an immense amount of physical pain, but after she caught her breath, she still had more to say._

_“I can’t...I don’t know what will happen in the future. I think the Reapers are gone forever, but he said that chaos would come back. I...don’t know if he was lying. I hope he was. The alternatives...just weren’t viable. I’m so sorry for all that was lost. Please tell them, Javik. I’m so sorry.”_

_Again, Shepard paused to cough, tears making tracks through the blood and grime on her face._

_“I’m not sure how much time I have left. Javik, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a full chronicle of what happened, of the glorious battle. There wasn’t much battle to it...and it wasn’t really all that glorious, either. What’s important is that we won, though. We **won**. You saw it to the very end, and I’m so honored to have fought with you.”_

_With effort, Shepard wiped at her face, and though she was covered in dirt and blood and Maker only knew what else, Javik could finally understand why those who loved her found her beautiful..._

* * *

 

Javik wasn’t sure how long he’d been caught up in the memory that Shepard had stored in the shard, and though it had been difficult, he had listened all the way through to the end. Her last wishes had been mostly for her crew, and he’d do his best to abide by them, provided they were willing to listen.

He rewrapped the shard in the tattered scrap of fabric he’d pulled from the Citadel’s wreckage to shield it from casual touching and stepped away, back toward his calming pool of water. Gradually, he let his senses reopen until he could feel the rhythm of the crew, focusing upon each individual one by one to assess location and mental state, as he tried to determine where to start.

Alenko and Joker had taken it the hardest, Javik mused, though the asari and the human doctor were not far behind. The persistent, all-consuming grief was not something he’d had time for in his cycle. The people of his empire had been dying by the thousands, if not more, for longer than he’d been alive. There was no time to grief, and no point to it -- it was a useless emotion, more suited to primitives than to a more evolved species like his.

And yet... after reliving Shepard's last memories, after having lived among them for these past months, perhaps it wasn't as hard to understand. Didn't his own people have avatars? He was one such avatar himself; hadn't others looked up to him as the embodiment of something more?

After all he'd experienced aboard the Normandy, he'd come to understand that Shepard was not just the avatar of her own people, but for all who existed in this cycle. Perhaps that explained at least part of the grief, and the emotional connection covered the rest of it.

Once he'd centered himself again, Javik wrapped the memory shard more carefully; he thought it was fitting that it should be covered in a piece of cloth so tattered and worn, considering all that had happened. He had already added his memories and impressions to the shard, so he'd be delivering it to Admiral Hackett once he was able, the better to allow it to be displayed. Although he was the only one who could use it, perhaps he could find some way for some of her final words to be transferred from his memory onto vid, so that all could see her strength -- and her despair over her choice in those final moments. Similar technology had existed in his own time, but they hadn't quite advanced to his level here, even now. Perhaps, once she'd pulled herself from the depths, the asari doctor might be willing to aid him in finding a way.

There were a number of people to see, most of them aboard the ship; once he had fortified himself as much as possible against the inevitable onslaught of emotions, Javik left his quarters and climbed aboard the lift, heading for the medical bay.


	3. "It's not that I want to die, doctor."

Dr. Chakwas moved around the medical bay in a daze, but her hands were sure as they cleaned, sorted, prepared, and went about the many other tasks she knew so well. It was a blessing and a curse: long habit left her hands busy, but it also left her mind idle. It was a pointless exercise to begin with; she'd already prepped the med bay many times since the final battle, but it was a task she defaulted to out of sheer habit when she wasn't sure what else to do.

Once the med bay was as clean as she could possibly make it, she was finally left without a task and simply sat in her chair, looking through the window toward the mess, where Joker, Kaidan, and several of the support crew sat around the table, looking as lost and aimless as she felt.

She saw Javik step off the lift and was surprised that he ignored the collected crew entirely, starting toward the med bay. Dr. Chakwas couldn't imagine with the Prothean had to say to her as he stepped inside, and his face was impossible to read. In his hand, he carried something wrapped in a piece of fabric that had seen better days, and it caught her attention for a moment before she cleared her throat, embarrassed. "My apologies, Javik. What can I do for you?"

"Doctor," Javik greeted, with a short nod. "I apologize for the interruption." He held up the cloth-covered item in his hands, as if he'd noticed her looking at it. "Do you know what this is?"

Puzzled, Dr. Chakwas shook her head. "No, I'm... afraid I don't. It looks like it has seen better days, much like most of us..." It was a joke she would have made to Shepard, too, and immediately closed her eyes with an inward shake of her head.

Much as the doctor anticipated, Javik merely looked at her, nonplussed, until he ultimately decided to move along without asking, it seemed. "Commander Shepard, the asari, and the Major found this when they found me on... Eden Prime." He stumbled a bit with the name of the planet, as if trying to remember that referring to it as anything else would only bring confusion. "It is a device of my people; there were some few among us, myself included, who used these as memory devices. I gave this to the Commander while we were in London and asked her to record her memories of this time. I had intended it to be a living memory of her victory, but... she used it differently."

The longer Javik spoke, the wider the doctor's eyes became. When he finished speaking, she could only sit for a moment, mouth open as she stared. When she realized it, her mouth snapped shut and she cleared her throat, once again looking mildly embarrassed. "I'm terribly sorry. But let me make sure I understand you - Commander Shepard's memories are in that... thing?"

"Yes."

In spite of the situation, Dr. Chakwas had to hold back a dry chuckle. Short and to the point, she shouldn't have expected anything else, she supposed. "I... see. Since you're here, am I correct in thinking that there is something on this shard that you believe I should see?"

"No." Javik paused, then corrected, "Yes."

Patience, Dr. Chakwas believed, was one of her strongest suits, and it was a good thing.

Before the doctor could speak, feeling her puzzled frustration at the dual-sided answer, Javik hastened to add, "I have not yet thought of a way to share memories. The Commander did have something that she wished me to pass along to you, however. If I may?"

That he asked permission at all surprised Dr. Chakwas more than anything in the rest of a statement already loaded with information. "Of... of course," she stumbled a bit in making a response. "I'm... my goodness. Of course you may. And if there's anything I can do to help with the rest, please let me know. Anything for the Commander."

"I am certain I will be hearing those words quite a bit," Javik commented. "The Commander asked me to tell you that the letter she spoke of is in her quarters, with your name on it. She trusts that you will know when it is time to deliver it to its final recipient. I do not know what that means, but I am sure it means something to you."

Dr. Chakwas glanced quickly toward the mess before closing her eyes. "Yes, it means something to me. Thank you, Javik. As I told the Commander before her..." A pause, a cough, then she cleared her throat. "Before... I will see it through, as we agreed."

Though some might have pressed for details, Javik simply nodded. "She also asked me to relay to you her thanks for all of the time you spent as part of her crew, particularly the time under Cerberus. She was quite adamant in her desire to make sure she knew that you did not have to choose to come aboard, but that she was eternally grateful that you had."

This time, the doctor's eyes filled, and she turned her back, taking a few moments to compose herself before she faced Javik again. "Once more, you have my thanks. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I'd choose to do the same again, if she'd ever asked it of me. I'm glad, however, that she didn't have to. Is there anything else?"

Javik caught the waver in the doctor's voice and shook his head. "No, Doctor. That is all Shepard wished me to relay. I have others to speak to. Thank you." As quickly as he'd come into the med bay, he left, and once again, avoided the cluster of people in the mess as he returned to the lift.

Once the Prothean was gone, Dr. Chakwas's shoulders slumped, and the tears she'd turned to hide from him came unbidden. With nowhere else to cry in privacy, she turned up the opacity on the med bay's windows, sat at her desk, and poured herself a tall measure of Serrice Ice Brandy before allowing her thoughts to drift...

 

* * *

_"Commander..." Dr. Chakwas began, then halted, narrowing her eyes as she looked at Shepard seated calmly on one of the Normandy medical bay's beds._

_For her part, Shepard simply waited, her posture reflecting her ease with the subject matter._

_After a few moments to collect herself, the doctor began again. "Commander, are you certain you want to do this? And why would you want_ _**me** _ _to decide whether he's ready?"_

_"I'm certain, Doctor. I've been thinking about this quite a bit in the past couple of weeks. It may not even be necessary, and he may not even want it, but I'd like the option to be there, just in case. I know I can sometimes be a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of woman," Shepard added, grinning briefly before her expression faded back into something more serious, "but this...I can't really explain it, Karin. This just seems like something I have to do. As for your 'why me' question, are you serious? You've always been more than just a doctor to fix our physical hurts, and you know it. Who better than a medical professional who also has an amazing insight into the psychological health of every person on this ship to decide when, or if, he'd be ready for this?"_

_A frown marred the doctor's forehead as she reclaimed her chair, but nodded to concede the commander's point. "I suppose you're right. But as your designated medical professional with insight into the psychological health of everyone on the ship, I'm quite concerned that you seem to expect that this fight will cost your life. Perhaps you'd like to talk about that?"_

_Shepard's grin returned, but it was somewhat pained. "Yep, I deserve that one, don't I? It's not that I want to die, doctor. It's not even that I_ _**expect** _ _to die. I hope I'm wrong. I'd love to win this fight and come out of it with myself - and all of you - alive. If that's the case, then this whole conversation is moot and we can both pretend it never happened. But just in case..."_

_Chakwas sighed, seeing the resolve on Shepard's face, and held up a hand. "Very well, Commander. I trust that you don't have to know the criteria I'm setting to determine whether he is ready?"_

_"I don't," Shepard confirmed, though her forehead wrinkled briefly. "I'd like to, but I don't have to. Just let him know as soon as you feel he's ready, but don't push once you do. Give him the option and leave him alone to make the choice. I'll write a letter you can give him then. Doctor...Karin. I'll ask for your word that you'll do this for me."_

_"Commander," Dr. Chakwas' tone carried a mix of gentle censure and mild exasperation. "If it means that much to you, I do give you my word, though I'm trying not to be offended that you asked, given all that we've been through together over the years. Shall we do this now?"_

_"You're right, of course. I'm sorry. And yes, no time like the present - especially since Kaidan isn't around to ask questions. Best to get it done before then."_

_"I hope Major Alenko will forgive me for this," Dr. Chakwas mused. "Hopefully he won't feel that you're offering so that he'll have a replacement..."_

_"Karin! No, of course not - I want him to have the option to father my child, not to give him a replacement."_

The memory of her conversation with Shepard faded away and Dr. Chakwas shook herself back to reality, wiping away the tears lingering in the corners of her eyes before she brought the windows back to their previously transparent state. Though he was no longer present, she murmured, "Thank you, Javik. I gave her my word, and I will not forget.

She stood and moved to the table where she'd harvested Shepard's eggs to be put into cryostasis and glanced out toward the mess hall, where Commander Alenko was seated with Joker, both with shoulders slumped under the weight of their grief. "Oh, Commander. I don't know if he'll ever be ready..."

* * *


	4. "You're a natural."

Javik stood alone aboard the lift, focusing on the doctor's emotions rather than choosing his next destination. That had been... surprisingly difficult, he admitted to himself, reluctantly. These primitives and their intense emotions still baffled him, and he wondered idly whether that was something that his forebears, those who had existed before the Reapers came, would have known what to do with.

When the Reapers invaded, the Prothean War Machine had moved into action, and there was no place in the life of a soldier of the Empire for any emotions save anger and vengeance. The fight had already been lingering for quite some time before he was alive; all he had known was the path of rage. Anything else was impossible, with thousands dying every day and the desperate fight to survive.

Dealing with this flood of... feelings in the aftermath of Shepard's death was not something he'd counted on when he'd elected to abide by the request made on the memory shard. Surely there had to be a way to display the memories there so that he did not have to talk about them. That seemed to be most of his problem, especially since so many of them didn't seem to want to refer to it or talk about it at all. Most frustrating. And difficult.

With that in mind, Javik stepped off the lift, still on the third level of the ship, and made his way to the asari's quarters. He wasn't sure whether to be relieved or annoyed when she wasn't there, but drone that she'd been using buzzed around his head when he entered.

"Greetings, Prothean."

Javik was momentarily nonplussed upon catching sight of the thing that they called Glyph; several questions buzzed in his mind, but he started with the most important. "Where is the asari?"

"The Shadow Broker is with Tali'zorah and Garrus Vakarian. Would you like me to ask for her to return?"

"No." As he'd been with the doctor, Javik's response was brusque. His eyes narrowed as he watched the drone buzz about, thoughtful. "How is it that you are still functional?"

"Clarify."

Javik's first response was an annoyed grunt. "Perhaps that answers part of my question. You still function. You respond to my presence, and to my requests, and you offer to help me. I thought that all artificial intelligence had died with the Reapers."

"This unit is not a true artificial intelligence. I cannot program myself or modify my programming. My primary functions include collecting and analyzing data based upon programming parameters set forth by the Shadow Broker, giving information determined by those input requests, and serving as an electronic secretary by managing the Shadow Broker's calendar."

"I... see." Javik paused, thoughtful. "Is anyone able to use your... programming?"

"I am programmed to respond to all requests made by crew members, within parameters set by the Shadow Broker. I have been tasked to assist you in any way you desire, Prothean."

That was useful, Javik thought. "Very well, let us begin."

 

* * *

 

 

Javik spent several hours with the Shadow Broker's information drone, and although he had thought that the asari would make her presence known during that time, she did not appear. Perhaps it was just as well; he had been able to find the information he needed inside the drone's databanks, and was able to come up with a way that would enable him to share the information on the memory shard directly with the intended recipients, rather than having to relay the news himself.

That he was considering providing some kind of warning as to how she looked and sounded was an artifact of the time he'd spent aboard ship, he mused. They had all seen the condition she'd been in when she was found, and yet, he still felt compelled to offer some kind of warning. Not for the first time, Javik shook his head as he considered these primitives and their wide range of emotions. It was enough to drive a sane Prothean mad.

After a quick internal survey of the individuals he had yet to approach, Javik decided to start with the easiest ones first. Flawed reasoning, he surmised, but perhaps he'd be better prepared to face the likes of Alenko and the pilot if he had dealt with the rest of the crew already.

The lift carried him to the CIC deck; although the taint of Shepard's death lingered here, as well, it was muted somewhat as they carried out their duties to keep the ship running. Even docked, there were still systems to monitor and repairs to oversee.

Javik paused a moment after stepping off the lift, then headed toward his next target. "Specialist Traynor. May we speak in private?"

Traynor, her eyes red-rimmed like much of the rest of the crew, visibly startled at being addressed by the Prothean. "I...er...yes, of course."

Before the specialist could move too far, Javik added, "I will also need to contact Admiral Hackett when we are done."

Traynor stumbled, but nodded; rather than moving toward the lift, she led the way to the deserted war room and the QEC, engaging the privacy locks once they were inside. Nervous energy caught her hands as she fidgeted, and after several long moments of silence under the Prothean's steady stare, she coughed and stammered, "What's going on?"

Javik held out a small, circular device about the size of his palm. "In London, I gave a device used by my people to store memories to Commander Shepard. She asked me to relay some things. Observe." To the device in his hand, he stated flatly, "Specialist Traynor."

Traynor gasped aloud and tears filled her eyes as an image of a small version of Shepard floated above the device in Javik's hands. She looked awful, but if this had been recorded before she... **before** , Traynor's mind insisted, that's as far as you have to go, then of course she'd look awful. Before the specialist could open her mouth, Shepard's halting voice echoed out, pausing now and again to cough. "Traynor... Samantha. I'm so proud of you. I know the Normandy's not where you expected to end up, but you've done so well. If you're not tired of being out in the field when it's all over, you should stay. You're a natural, and they could use you. Take care of yourself, Specialist."

As the image faded away, Traynor was left staring at the device in Javik's hand for long enough that he wondered whether she'd speak again. He waited, as impassive and emotionless as ever, but internally grateful that the device he had created with the information drone's help was a success.

At length, her face damp with tears, Traynor finally tore her gaze away from Javik's hand by closing her eyes. It took visible effort to fight back her emotions, but when she did speak, her voice was even, if rough. "Thank you, Javik. I'm grateful for this. Let me find the Admiral for you."

"Yes."

Ah, he was back to being terse again, thought Traynor. Typical. Once the connection with Hackett was established, she hurried out of the room, leaving Javik alone - the longer she could go without hearing Shepard's voice sound like that again, the better for her tenuous hold on her equilibrium.

Javik, meanwhile, gave the Admiral a respectful nod when the QEC connected and launched right into his explanation. "Admiral. As I have told several others, I gave Commander Shepard a device to store memories. I cannot show it over this communication system, but I will show it to you in person when you are here next." It was getting easier to deliver this speech, he mused.

Momentarily taken aback, Hackett nodded his thanks. "Much appreciated. I'm sure there will be a lot of people who'll be interested in hearing her last words, as difficult as it might be. I'm guessing you didn't call just to tell me you had this thing, though. What's on your mind? Or should I be asking what was on hers?"

"The Commander asked me to relay to you that the one you called Anderson was alive when she reached the Citadel. They fought the Illusive Man together, and he died there with her. Although she says he did not say it, she wished one called Kahlee Sanders to be made aware."

Once again, Hackett nodded. "That'll be good for Kahlee to know. Anything else?"

Uncharacteristically unsure, Javik hesitated for a moment. Finally, he asked, "Do you know of the Commander's mother?"

This time, the surprise showed on Hackett's face, but he offered a quick response. "I do."

"Very well. Would you consent to pass along a message?"

Inexplicably to Javik, Hackett's jaw tightened, but he nodded. "I will."

Though he was curious, Javik didn't remark upon it, simply said, "She wished for her mother and her family to know that she accomplished what she set out to do. She had hoped for a different outcome, but knew what might happen and was prepared for it. She knows they are proud of her and will miss them. She asked specifically for her mother to keep an eye on Major Alenko from time to time." He paused. "That is all."

"Thank you, Javik. I'll see to it that her messages are delivered." Without another word, Hackett terminated the QEC connection.

That had been somewhat unusual, Javik mused. Rather unlike what he knew of the Admiral, but not completely outside the realm of what he expected. More important to his immediate situation, however was that he was that much closer to having his task completed.


	5. "You should stick together."

The task had been difficult, Javik mused on his way back to the lift, but not terrible, at least thus far. He knew, however, that it was unlikely to stay this way, and with that in mind, returned to the engineering deck, where the quarian, Tali'zorah, and the turian had taken over the bay opposite his after the reporter had vacated the ship. Although there was no privacy light on the door, he still knocked; though he couldn't see the quarian's face under her mask when she answered, he could still imagine the surprised expression underneath it.

"What can we do for you, Javik?" Garrus asked as he joined Tali, resting a hand on her shoulder.

"May I come in? I do not want to discuss this in the hallway."

The pair exchanged a quick glance and stepped back, giving the Prothean room to enter. "Now," Garrus said, a slight edge to his voice, "care to tell us what this is about?"

"Did the Commander show you the memory shard that she and the others retrieved when they came to Eden Prime and recovered me?" It was easier to remember the new name of the planet this time; he'd managed to say it without a pause and without stumbling.

Though Tali shook her head, Garrus replied, "I heard something about it. You may not remember, but I was in the shuttle bay when they brought you back. I talked to Shepard about it a little bit later - she'd had another run-in with one of those beacons, so I wanted to make sure she was all right." The comment was more for Tali than for Javik, it seemed, since he'd barely looked the Prothean's way as he spoke.

"Very well," was Javik's short reply. "She had it with her on the Citadel and after, and left messages behind."

Tali's gasp was audible and Garrus's hand tightened on the quarian's shoulder, but that was the only visible reaction from either of them. When they remained silent after several moments, Javik finally held up the holo and gave their names.

The turian's mandibles flexed when Shepard's image appeared, and Tali leaned back against him, as if she needed his support to stay upright, grasping for his free hand.

"Garrus... Tali... this'll look pretty silly if you're not together, so I hope you are." Shepard coughed, but she was smiling. "You should stick together. You... make a good couple. Who better than someone who's... been there alongside you as you go through hell to know... what your demons are. Hold onto that."

Garrus and Tali shared a look and their clasped hands tightened.

"Garrus... look after Tali. Make sure she builds that house on Rannoch. She's already got places picked out. Tali... you look after him, too. Make sure he tells his father everything. Make sure..." She paused again to cough, but her eyes had turned bright with urgency. "Make sure his father knows... we couldn't have done it without him. **I** couldn't have done it without him. Without both of you."

Behind her mask, Tali wept, but nodded her agreement as if Shepard herself were issuing these requests in person.

"Thank you both. Meant... so much to me to have you aboard when we were still with Cerberus. Meant even more - so much more than I can say - that you... came back again after everything else that happened. Take care of each other. Take care of the crew. And Garrus? When you're ready... and **only** when you're ready... I expect it to be a long time from now... I'll meet you at that bar."

The holo in Javik's hand fell silent and dark, leaving the Prothean alone and outwardly stonefaced before the pair.

When the holo faded, Tali gasped and reached out with her free hand, as if to bring it back, then turned toward Garrus, burying her masked face into his shoulder, audibly weeping.

Garrus kept his hand gently on Tali's shoulder, gave it another supportive squeeze, then looked to Javik and nodded. "You have my- our thanks. I'm sure that sharing this has been... difficult, but it means a great deal to all of us. Thank you."

"Yes. It is... difficult," Javik said haltingly. "But this is what she asked me to do." Though his answer was as close to businesslike as he could manage, he still paused a moment, glancing down at Tali, then looked up at the turian. "She will be all right?"

Before Garrus could answer, Tali choked out, "I'll be fine. Thank you, Javik. It's a comfort to hear her last words." She only just managed to say it before her voice cracked.

Javik hesitated once again, but nodded sharply to the turian and quarian and took his leave, once more heading toward the lifts.

Once the Prothean was gone, Garrus looked down at Tali and sighed. "I'm glad you find comfort in it, Tali. I wish I could say the same. It just feels so... empty. To finally be rid of the Reapers, but to have lost Shepard, it just feels wrong."

"I know," Tali agreed, her voice evening out as she continued to speak. "And it hurts. I know in my head that she would not want us to focus only on losing her, but it's harder than I thought. It's even worse than the first time. Maybe because we just saw her... her... you know. It just seems so final. Poor Kaidan."

Garrus couldn't stop a small grunt at the mention of the Major and shook his head at Tali's curious glance. "We shouldn't talk about him, Tali. I know Shepard forgave him, but... I'll never forget how she looked after we saw him on Horizon. It was awful. I don't know how she forgave him for it. I don't know if I ever could."

"Garrus," Tali chided.

Before she could continue, the turian shook his head again. "I know. Doesn't even matter now anyway, does it? We all need to stand together, make sure that what happened last time doesn't happen again. Something tells me that's not a risk this time around though. Not if Hackett has anything to say about it, I bet. Come on, let's go..."


	6. "What's goin' on, buggy?"

That had gone about as he'd expected, Javik mused as he stepped onto the lift. He knew that Shepard had been closer to some than others aboard the ship, and knew that Tali'zorah and Garrus were counted in that former category. In fact, he realized, eyeing the holo in his hand, nearly all of the... deliveries he had to make were to those individuals. Some messages were shorter than others, but everyone had something...

He stepped off the lift and into the shuttle bay, catching sight of Lieutenants Cortez and Vega seated together on a storage crate passing a bottle of something back and forth between them as they spoke quietly. Neither of them noticed his presence at first, caught in conversation as they were, and he paused before approaching, gauging their emotional states and their sobriety. They'd only just started passing the bottle, it seemed, and they were both subdued but not fragile, so he stepped forward.

"Lieutenant Cortez. Lieutenant Vega. May I speak with you?"

Vega nodded and held out the bottle, drawing it back only when Javik gave him a nonplussed look. "What's goin' on, buggy?"

"Vega, really?" Cortez muttered, shaking his head. "Sure, Commander Javik. What can we do for you?"

Though he'd already given the speech several times over, Javik still had difficulties with knowing where to start. Eventually, he simply held up the holographic device. "Shepard used the memory shard I gave her and asked me to tell you something. I thought it would be best if you could hear it directly from her. Lieutenant Vega," he added, directing the comment toward the holo.

Vega's eyes widened as Shepard's image appeared in the Prothean's hand, and again, he shook his head, seeing her battered condition. "Aw **hell,** Lola..."

"James... I meant what I told you in London. I know you made me proud. Didn't even need to see it. Give 'em hell in the Ns, Vega. After all this... N training... well." She paused, grinned, even as she coughed. "I won't say it'll be easy, but it won't... won't seem as hard as all this. Keep an eye on the crew for me, James. I know I can count on you."

Shepard's hoarse voice brought tears to Cortez's eyes, and he winced every time she coughed or paused to gasp for air, but he was as rapt as Vega was, even though the message wasn't intended for him...yet.

Vega, on the other hand, watched and listened to Shepard with his jaw clenched painfully tight. When she finally stopped speaking and her image vanished from the holo, his hand tightened around the neck of the bottle until he finally lifted it to his mouth and took several long gulps. "That all? Or should I brace myself for more?"

"That is all... for you," Javik said, and his eyes shifted to Cortez.

"Well... thanks. Appreciate the downer." Vega left the bottle on the crate next to Cortez and got to his feet. "Think you'll probably need this, Esteban. I need... a minute." His voice was as tight as his jaw had been a few moments ago, and he walked away without looking behind him, headed straight for the pull-up bar, which he immediately jumped onto.

Cortez watched Vega go, grateful that his friend had left the bottle behind. "I'm sure he's right," he said, looking back to Javik. "Sorry about him. He's a little bit raw."

"He is not the only one," Javik replied. "Do you wish to view this now, or shall I come back at another time?"

"Now's fine," Cortez said, lifting the bottle in a strange sort of toast, bracing himself as he did so. "I have my liquid courage right here."

Rather than give any sort of reply, Javik said, "Lieutenant Cortez."

Again, Shepard's image floated above the device in the Prothean's hand. "Cortez... Steve. Glad you made it through okay. It's been such an honor serving with you, but more than that... I'm so grateful to call you my friend. You've been... so amazing. Helped me keep my sanity. Helped me hold it together when things looked worst. When I get... when I get where I'm going, I'll say hi to Robert for you. Tell him how great you were. But he's still right. **Live,** Steve. Have a wonderful life. Be happy. He'll always be with you. And me... I'll always keep an eye on you, too. And... if I can ask... keep an eye on Kaidan." Her voice broke on the Major's name, but she managed a smile. "He'll need it more than anyone. Take care of yourself, Steve."

When her image disappeared, Cortez still stared at the device in Javik's hand for several long moments before he, like James, took a long swallow from the bottle in his hand. "That... I... thanks for bringing that. Can't be easy having to show that to all of us. I'll... try to do what she asked." He paused to clear his throat and finally tore his eyes away from the holo device. "Anything else for us down here?"

"No." Short and sweet, in true Prothean style. Javik nodded and stepped away, leaving Cortez sitting atop the empty storage crate, watching as Vega worked his way through the emotions watching Shepard's video had elicited.

While James exercised, Steve leaned back against the wall and sighed. This hadn't been the first time he'd had a rather emotional conversation sitting here on this storage crate. Vega's soft grunts faded into the background as memory claimed him.

_Shepard studied Cortez's face as he spoke about his husband and the recording that she probably hadn't been meant to hear. The pain in his voice resonated deeply with her, and she couldn't help but be concerned for him._

_Perhaps picking up on Shepard's feelings, Cortez hurried to add, "But don't worry, Commander. When I'm in that pilot seat, I'm there 100%. I won't fail you. It's just...the downtime between missions that's hard, you know?"_

_"I know. I... I won't say that I know how you feel, because I hate it when people do that to me. Our situations are unique because they're our own, but how about...I understand."_

_Shepard nodded toward a pair of crates behind the UT-47, a questioning tilt to her expression, and gave a faint smile when Cortez moved to follow. Once they were seated, her brow furrowed. "Six months in the Alliance's custody with limited access to...anything means I don't know how much of my story you know."_

_"I know some," Cortez admitted, though puzzled. "But it's probably been doctored by the press or the Alliance brass or any number of things."_

_"Ah, true enough. I'd hoped they'd...well. Never mind, that part isn't important, and it'd just annoy me anyway. The short version is that I got shanghaied into working for Cerberus because they gave the right bait. When I saw Kaidan - Major Alenko - for the first time after the first Normandy went down, it was... awful."_

_Cortez nodded, saying nothing, and wondered whether Shepard had told anyone else what she was telling him now. Something in the way she spoke made him think that it wasn't something she shared often, if at all._

_"The things he said... the things_ _**we** _ _said... The first thing I said when I saw him was 'Hey Kaidan, how've you been?'" As Cortez winced, Shepard chuckled, but it was clear she saw it as gallows humor rather than anything truly amusing. "Exactly. First time I saw him in more than two years, I came back from the dead, and the best thing I could think of was 'how've you been?' Not one of my finest moments, Cortez."_

_"Wait. You were dead?"_

_"Ah. That's what Cerberus told me. I've seen the files. They're... gruesome. So, yes, I did. And the only thing I could think of when I came back was finding Kaidan. Hearing that he was on Horizon, where they knew the Collectors were attacking... This is why I can't say that I know how you feel. I_ _**did** _ _find him, even if the words that passed between us hurt so badly."_

_Shepard leaned back against the shuttle bay wall, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Cortez. I don't know why I even brought this up, thinking about it. I just... you said that it was the time between missions that was the hardest, and that's how it's been for me too, ever since Horizon. Especially now, when he's stuck in some hospital bed on the Citadel and who_

_knows what'll happen. It's easier to keep busy, to move from one mission to the next, one task to the next, so I don't have a chance to dwell. Sound familiar?"_

_With a heavy sigh, Cortez nodded, and reached out to cover Shepard's hand with his own briefly. "It does."_

_"So... that's what I mean when I say I'm here for you, Steve. Maybe we can get each other through those rough times. I could really use a friend, and I think you could, too - and not Vega. Not that there's anything wrong with James," Shepard added hastily, "but he's got different demons. I think maybe we can help each other because our pain is so similar. Yeah?"_

_Cortez smiled fleetingly at the mention of Vega, but nodded his agreement and understanding. "I understand, Commander. And you're right. I could use the shoulder every bit as much as you. Just... let me come to some of it on my own, okay?"_

_"Just Shepard," the Commander reminded gently. "When it's just the two of us, just call me Shepard. And yeah, that's fine. But don't work yourself too hard, Cortez. I'll be keeping an eye on you, and not just because I'm your commanding officer. I know it's hard, but give yourself a break sometimes. I'll help."_

_Cortez got to his feet, followed shortly by Shepard. "Understood, Comm- er, Shepard. And... for what it's worth? Thanks."_


	7. "Don't let it consume you."

He shouldn't have been too surprised at Lieutenant Vega's reaction, Javik mused, as he traveled on the lift once again. He nearly asked EDI for the asari's location before he remembered that she was no longer available, and he wasn't quite sure how to feel about it. He'd railed so hard and so long against artificial intelligence, and yet, it had been so pervasive that it became second nature.

And that, of course, was the whole problem. While it had improved some things, it was such a slippery slope in Javik's view. Shepard had difficulty making the decision to destroy all synthetic life, she'd said as much on the memory shard, but he couldn't help but thinking that if the positions had been reversed, he wouldn't have been anywhere near as remorseful. He might have had to take a few minutes to consider, but in the end, he believed, he'd have made that choice many times over.

Drawing his thoughts back to his task, Javik lingered in the lift for several long moments, trying to decide where to go next. He had three more visits to make, and wasn't looking forward to any of them. All would be difficult - the pilot and Major Alenko for obvious reasons, and the asari for her ever-unreciprocated attachment to Shepard. All were bound to be difficult, and he wasn't really sure where to begin.

At length, he ended up back on the crew deck; it had been several hours since his interaction with the Shadow Broker's drone and he hadn't seen the asari anywhere. Though it would almost certainly be difficult, he felt it better to start with her, but even so, he still paused in front of the door to her quarters before knocking. The door slid open automatically, surprising him momentarily, but he stepped back inside and nodded his greeting to the asari.

She looked as he'd imagined she would, Javik thought, teary-eyed and unhappy; in a rare moment of levity, internal or otherwise, he couldn't help but think that these humans would probably still find her beautiful in her grief, even if he couldn't understand it himself.

"Javik? What can I do for you?" Liara's voice was rough, but still welcoming.

"Did your drone tell you that I had been here?"

Startled, Liara shook her head, glancing toward the information drone, which hovered near the door. "No, it did not. I'm sorry that I missed you. Again, what can I do for you?"

It might have been easier if the drone **had** given a report of his presence, Javik mused, for that would mean he wouldn't have to explain it yet again. "I see. It helped me. When you and the Major and Shepard found me on Eden Prime, you also found my memory shard. I gave it to Shepard to record the final battle with the Reapers. She used it in her last moments and asked me to relay some things."

Unlike Cortez, Liara allowed the tears that filled her eyes to fall, and fall unchecked. "She... she spoke to you? I... how... how do we see it?"

"That is why I consulted the drone," Javik replied and held up the holo. "Doctor T'soni."

When Shepard's battered form appeared over Javik's hand, Liara gasped, and fresh tears flooded her eyes. Once the Commander started to speak, Liara's shoulders slumped, but she was rapt as she listened.

"Liara... thank you. You've helped me so much over the last three years. You've come a long way since that... sheltered archaeologist doctor we first saw on Therum." Though she paused often to catch her breath, Shepard still spoke with an amused sort of fondness in her last words to the Shadow Broker. "It's been a hell of a ride. Take care of yourself, Liara. Always remember... remember our talk about the power a broker has. Be careful. Don't let it consume you."

Liara buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking as she cried, both at hearing Shepard's word, and at seeing her condition.

There was a long pause, a pained cough, then Shepard added, "And Liara? If you took my DNA to be a daddy in London without telling me... I'll haunt you forever."

The image floating above the holo vanished, and Javik tucked the device away, looking askance at Liara.

Liara, for her part, choked a watery and bitter laugh at Shepard's last comment. Wiping her eyes, she looked up at Javik and attempted a smile, which failed miserably. "Thank you. I... hate to say this, Javik, and I know it's horribly rude, but... I would like to be alone. Would you please leave?"

Rather than being offended, Javik appeared momentarily relieved, and gave a quick nod. "Doctor," he offered, then made his exit.

Once Javik was gone, Liara moved to her bed, and though her cries turned from quiet to audible, though she was now alone but for the information drone, she buried her face in her pillow to muffle the noise. At length, she cleared her throat, wiped her eyes, and sat up, motioning toward the drone, which moved forward at her command. "Glyph, why did you not tell me that Commander Javik had been here?"

"I did not believe I needed to, Shadow Broker. Your instructions regarding Commander Javik are that I am to provide him whatever help I am able. There are no further instructions or subroutines regarding limitations to his access or whether I am to notify you that he has requested my assistance."

"I... see," Liara replied, thoughtful. "Very well. I shall modify your programming, then, to make sure that you notify me when you assist anyone, particularly Commander Javik. Now, if you would," she continued, her voice beginning to wobble just the slightest bit, "begin recording for my personal log."

"Begin recording, Shadow Broker's personal log. You may begin when ready."

"I'm not sure how to feel about Shepard's last words. I'm even less sure how to feel that **Javik** is the one who brought them. I had no idea what we'd given him was a memory shard, or that he'd given it to her in the first place." The wobble increased as she continued, but Liara carried on, in spite of the tears in her eyes. "I suppose I'm grateful that I have some semblance of closure at all, considering all that happened last time, but it feels like it will never be enough."

She paused, recalling Shepard's words, and the tears filling her eyes spilled over again. "I'm amazed she was able to say anything at all, let alone have the presence of mind to record something on that... thing that we'd all be able to see later. Maybe someday, it will be a comfort. For now..."

"Oh, Shepard," Liara choked out after a lengthy pause. "I thought about gathering your DNA without telling you. I was so very tempted, but I couldn't do that to you. You can't know now how much I wish I had, though. Not only to have a piece of you to carry with me through all these long years of my life, but also in the hopes that you'd make good on your threat to haunt me if I had. Then, at least, I'd be able to see you even though you're gone. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I've... I've always been selfish where you're concerned."

Again, Liara broke into audible sobs, but rather than muffling them this time, she simply cried while the information drone recorded it all. Once she'd brought herself back under control, the Shadow Broker wiped her face and straightened her shoulders. "Commander Shepard was an incredible woman and a peerless soldier. She will be sorely missed by all who knew her. Especially me." She paused, then, "Glyph, end personal log."


	8. "I'm so sorry, Joker."

Although she had asked him to leave, Javik lingered at the asari's door for a while after he stepped into the hallway. He truly hoped that she hadn't done something so selfish as to harvest Shepard's genetic material to father a child without bringing the Commander into the decision, but he wouldn't have been surprised to hear it, either. Perhaps it was unkind of him, but Liara's attachment to Shepard had always bordered on unhealthy in his mind, especially since it had ever been clear that Shepard's more tender emotions were otherwise engaged and she'd thought of Liara simply as a friend.

He found himself momentarily sympathizing with Major Alenko, though he was somewhat surprised by it at first. Javik could only imagine how the Major would feel if it turned out that the asari had made a child with the Commander, and really... he certainly would not want to be around for that discussion, for it was liable to get destructive, if he'd read those two correctly.

With all but two of his stops complete, Javik ventured back to his own quarters before continuing. It was exhausting, subjecting himself to the wild emotions of these primitives. Surely Shepard wouldn't begrudge him some time to rest, surely she hadn't intended for him to deliver every message one after the other.

As he stood with hands hovering over the water, he mused over the Commander's fate, and over her request to him via the shard. Why had he agreed to do this in the first place? He was coming to understand why Shepard had asked; although those he had spoken to already were still hurting, most of them felt better after seeing and hearing her words- Liara being the only exception. He knew Shepard would have been grateful that he'd agreed, but he still could not understand what had driven him to do so.

Perhaps he'd never understand, Javik admitted to himself as he focused and centered his mind again, preparing to deliver the last of the messages from Shepard. And the idea that he was honoring a comrade's death was enough, he realized. Sentiment was not the Prothean way; Maker knew that no one in his time and of his culture would have done something like this, but they **would** have honored a fallen comrade. And perhaps their aversion to emotion had been what had doomed them all in the end. There would never be any way to know.

It was far too easy to lose himself in those thoughts, he mused as he straightened his shoulders. Better to finish this crazy request of Shepard's so he could put it behind him. The only two he had left were Major Alenko and Flight Lieutenant Moreau, and given the likely reactions, Javik made his way to the CIC and the bridge to deal with the pilot first.

He was grateful to come upon Moreau alone on the flight deck; on his way, he'd been concerned that Major Alenko would have followed the pilot from the crew's mess hall to the bridge.

"Flight Lieutenant," was his terse greeting when he stepped up next to the pilot's chair.

Joker rolled his eyes as he glanced Javik's way. "Great. Because what I need right now is some 50,000 year old bug-eyed dude telling me that I shouldn't be sad."

"That is not my purpose here. I have news of Commander Shepard."

Before he could stop it, Joker's jaw dropped and he shook his head. "News flash, but Shepard's dead, and this time, we've all seen the body. Want to tell me what you're **really** doing up here, since you've never come up here before for a social visit, like...ever?"

Rather than reply and face more of the pilot's attempted derision, Javik held out the holo. "Flight Lieutenant Moreau." When nothing appeared, he'd have made a face if he were alone, but he simply sighed and said, "Joker." His distaste for the nickname was easily apparent in the way he said it, but Shepard's image appeared as it should have done.

Joker gaped as Shepard hovered over the device in Javik's hand. "How the hell..." he began, but trailed off as the Commander began to speak.

"Joker..." Shepard's already rough voice deepened and began to tremble as she spoke. "I'm so sorry, Joker. Didn't have a choice. EDI and I talked about this, talked about what might happen. I know she... she would've wanted to be with you." She paused, wincing as she coughed, and rubbed the back of her hand over her eyes. "Had to... destroy all synthetic life. Couldn't take the chance they'd come back. Hope you can forgive me... if I could've done it any other way..."

Much like the image of his Commander in the holo, Joker's eyes filled, even though he knew the Prothean was watching.

The image of Shepard took a few moments to collect herself, still having difficulty breathing, but that stubborn set to her jaw was familiar to anyone who knew her well. She seemed determined to finish, no matter what. "I know we've probably said all we needed to, but... Thank you, Joker. I know... I know it was hard with Cerberus. Know it was hard before that, with the first Normandy." Again, she paused, and this time, coughed heavily before continuing. "Already told you once I forgive you for that. Don't let that rule the rest of your life. I'll never forget how much you helped me. I'll miss you, but I'll see you on the other side. Better not be for a while, though. Give 'em hell for me, Joker."

As Shepard's image faded, Joker held up his hand, as if to protest, to bring her back. He sat stunned for several long minutes before he looked up at Javik. "Why?" His voice cracked as he asked the question. "Why'd you get this and not the rest of us?"

Though he'd already answered the question many times, Javik tried for patience; he'd known that this one would be difficult. "I gave her the memory shard that they collected with me on Eden Prime while in London. She chose to use it to record these and asked me to deliver them. You would not have known how to use the shard at all without me."

"I guess I should say thanks, then," Joker replied, though his tone and his expression made clear that he didn't want to do anything of the sort. "You showed this to Alenko yet?"

"No."

Shaking his head at the Prothean's abruptness, Joker said, "Better get to it, then. He's headed back up here in a bit. He's down in starboard obs. You definitely want to catch him before I do, because I'll tell him, and he'll be pissed that you didn't take it to him first."

Javik nodded and gave yet another short response. "Very well."

Once he was gone, Joker pushed a button to lock the door to the bridge and broke down, the way he couldn't while the Prothean was still standing there. He missed EDI, he missed Shepard, and he'd known that it was ultimately Shepard's fault that EDI was gone, but couldn't blame the Commander for it, especially not hearing her reasons in her own voice.

It had helped that he and EDI had talked about it in the first place. While he was selfish enough to want to live, and to want to have EDI with him, she was far more altruistic- something he attributed to the Commander, actually, when he thought about it.

 

* * *

_The thump of dance music rolled through Purgatory as he returned to the table he was sharing with EDI, drink in hand. After his conversation with Shepard, he and EDI came to Purgatory a lot- she liked to observe the bar's patrons while he simply liked to get off the ship once in awhile... and spend time with her._

_"Jeff..."_

_Uh-oh. It was always dangerous when she said his name but didn't follow it up. "Yeah, EDI?"_

_"I think we are reaching the end."_

_Momentary panic flashed across Joker's face. "End of what?"_

_"The end of the fight," EDI explained, reaching for his hand. "I'm sorry, Jeff, I did not mean to imply anything else. But I think that we are nearing the end. Shepard believes so as well; I spoke to her before we left the ship. We... we have not spoken of what could happen."_

_"Come on, EDI, nothing's going to happen except Shepard's going to go out there and kick some Reaper ass, then we're all going to come back here and throw the biggest party the galaxy's ever seen. And we'll all live happily ever after." He said it with enough conviction that it seemed he was trying to convince himself of that very thing._

_"I hope you're right, Jeff. But in the event that you are not..."_

_Joker hurried to interrupt, his voice almost strident. "I know I'm right. No need to talk about what else could happen!"_

_"Jeff," EDI chided, in that 'you're being a child when I need you to be serious' tone. "Whether you want me to or not, I will say this. I... enjoy our time together. I hope it will last for a long time. But you must know that I side with the Commander. If it means that you can live, I will happily lay down my life."_

_"EDI... no. No no no. I don't want that."_

_"Jeff, I will plan for the future as if you are right, as if we will all be together on the other side, and will be able to come back to this dirty, noisy bar to have the biggest party in the history of the galaxy, but... in case we do not, I want you to know that I am ready, if any kind of sacrifice must be made."_

_Resigned, Joker sighed and dropped his head to rest it on EDI's hand for a moment. "Fine. I really don't want to talk about it, or even think about it, but... fine. I understand. But," he added, lifting his head to look at her, "you have to promise me you'll try to come back. You and Shepard both. Don't give up just because you think it'll save everything."_

_"I promise, Jeff."_

* * *

 

EDI had been true to her word, Joker knew; she'd fought as much as she was able, but in the end, she'd been right.

Still, he couldn't blame the Commander. It hurt to lose both of them, his robot girlfriend and the closest thing he'd ever had to a big sister- it probably always would hurt. But he knew that they'd both done everything they could, and they'd both be happy with the way things turned out, much as the rest of them might hate it.

"Still making those hard decisions even after you saved the galaxy, Commander. Glad I wasn't the one in those shoes. I don't think I could've done it. And hey, Shepard, if you can hear me...save me a seat up there. I know I'll want to give you hell when I see you next."


	9. "We did hope, Shepard."

Javik left the bridge grateful to be that much closer to finishing his task- only Major Alenko remained. He glanced over his shoulder to the bridge door, which now showed the red light indicating it was locked, and shook his head as he made his way back to the lift.

Knowing that the Flight Lieutenant had been... involved, if he could call it that, with the synthetic, Javik was surprised his reaction hadn't been more pronounced. If calling him a '50,000 year old, bug-eyed dude' was the worst that happened, he was grateful.

Grateful, too, for the advice about Major Alenko's location, since that meant he didn't have to search the entire ship. Once he reached the starboard observation deck, he sighed, spotting the red light on the door. This, he knew, would be the hardest of them all.

Javik stepped forward to knock, calling out, "Major Alenko... I would like to speak with you." Perhaps **like** was too strong a word, but phrasing it that way sounded better than need, for the time being.

When Kaidan answered the door, Javik looked him over impassively. As expected, the Major was in rough shape; his eyes were puffy and red, his clothing was wrinkled, and it looked like he hadn't bothered to do any sort of personal grooming since the word had come back that Shepard had been found. Shaking his head yet again, Javik asked, "May I come inside, please?"

Kaidan stared blankly at Javik for a moment, visibly wondering why the Prothean was looking for him, but ran a hand over his face wearily before stepping back. "C'mon in, C- Javik."

Once the door had closed behind them, Javik stood in the center of the room, looking anywhere but at the Major. "I... find that I do not know how to begin. I have already spoken to most of the crew, but perhaps I should have come here first. I do not know."

Leaning up against the observation window, Kaidan eyed the Prothean again. "Whatever you have to say, please make it fast. I'm..." Not fit company? Would rather be alone to grieve? Wishing anyone but Shepard had died so she'd still be here with him? Finally, he settled on a simple, "Busy," as his only audible reply.

Javik's first response was an almost annoyed grunt, but he nodded sharply. "When you and the Commander found me on Eden Prime, you also found this." He ignored the wince on the Major's face at the word 'Commander' and held up the memory shard, wrapped in its tattered bit of fabric, for the first time since he'd consulted with the asari's drone. "It is a memory shard, used by my people to preserve memories for later generations. Before the final battle in London, I passed it to Shepard, as she was the avatar for not just her people, but for all. I had hoped that she would use it to record her triumphs in the months and years to come. When I found her, she had it in her hand; I took it before anyone else arrived, because I am the only one who knows how it functions."

Kaidan stared at the Prothean, quiet, until a flash of anger lit his face. "Wait a minute. You're telling me that you stole something off her... her... body before we got there? And didn't tell us?"

"I am telling you now," Javik replied, with a strange measure of patience. "It would have done you no good to find the shard. Would you not rather I had seen to its safety than have it still amidst the rubble of the Citadel, where you would never know what it said?"

That brought Kaidan up rather sharply. "What... what it said? She... did something with it?"

"Yes."

Frustrated by the short response, Kaidan ran a hand through his hair and prompted with an impatient, "And?"

Javik held out his hand, a gesture he was becoming rather familiar with, displaying the holo device that he and the drone had come up with. "As I have said, I have spoken with the rest of the crew. Some found it... disturbing. You saw her condition when we found her. I will show you," he hastened to add, as Kaidan's impatient look deepened, "but you more than anyone should prepare yourself for how she looks."

It only took a moment for Kaidan to realize that Javik was right. "Thanks," he muttered with ill grace, but he did pause and take several long, deep breaths to calm himself. "I'm ready."

He'd said it, but the look on Javik's face made the Major wonder whether that was true. Still, the Prothean issued the command: "Major Alenko."

Shepard's battered body appeared over the holo, her face streaked with grime, blood, and tears, but she was smiling as much as she was able. "Kaidan... I hope... hope you don't mind I left you for last." Her breathing hitched and she fought back more tears, trying not to cough, but her voice was warm. "I know this isn't how we wanted things to go, Kaidan. I know we said our goodbyes in London, but... I know we both hoped..."

When she trailed off, Kaidan sighed and shook his head. "We did hope, Shepard," he murmured, but fell silent as the Commander's image began to speak again.

"There are... so many things I wanted for us. We talked about some of it. I'm... sorry I can't fulfill all those dreams." Shepard's voice wavered as she spoke, but her chin was set, determined to finish. "You... you made it all worthwhile, Kaidan. The crew helped in so many ways, but this really was all... all for you. Never would have made it this far without you. Without that hope." She paused again to cough and wipe at her face, mixing tears with the rest of the mess around her. "There's... no coming back this time. But I'll be waiting for you on the other side, Kaidan... whenever you get there. Until then... I love you. I've always loved you. Never been anyone else for me. Even if... even if you forget everything else... remember that. I love you. I always will."

Kaidan looked pained as Shepard's image faded away, and his breathing hitched as he took short, sharp breaths to try to retain some semblance of control. "I... I don't know what to say, Javik. I suppose I understand why you didn't let us find that shard. I... thanks for bringing this to me. It hurts...god, it hurts. But to hear her voice again, to know what she was thinking and feeling at the end... it means a lot."

"You are welcome," Javik replied, but the words were stilted, as if he was unfamiliar with the weight of them in his mouth. "I will take my leave."

Kaidan sat heavily once the door closed behind the Prothean, leaning up against the cold bulkhead of starboard observation. It hurt so much to think about her. Hurt to sit here, even, since this is where they'd come after their date on the Citadel...

_They walked hand in hand back to the Normandy after their steak dinner, skirting regulations just this once. Rather than making their way to Shepard's quarters, instead they settled in the starboard observation lounge, side by side on one of the couches. Shepard's head rested on Kaidan's shoulder, and their hands were still tightly clasped. He lifted their joined hands to his lips, brushing a soft kiss across the back of her hand, and sighed contentedly._

_"I know I've said it before, Shepard, but I'm so sorry for what I said back on Horizon."_

_"Kaidan..."_

_"No... no, hear me out, please. I... lashed out, you know that. I loved you so damned much, and all I could think about was how hurt I was that you were alive and didn't say anything, and then turned up with Cerberus. But I know better than to think you were working with them. I just wanted to hurt you. It was wrong of me. Forgive me?"_

_"Kaidan..." Shepard's hand tightened on Kaidan's. "I forgave you a long time ago. Pretty much as soon as we'd left, actually. I knew you were hurt. I would've been too, if the situation had been reversed. You deserved so much more than that. If they hadn't been there, watching, I'd have run after you,_ _**made** _ _you listen." In an attempt to brighten the conversation, she grinned and added, "I'd have tried, anyway. Like I told you on Mars, you always were stubborn."_

_"Me?" Kaidan protested laughingly, as he had on Mars. "I think you win that prize, Shepard. But still... thanks. That makes me feel better. I wasn't... I didn't know if you'd want to do this again."_

_Her voice still light, Shepard teased, "This? You mean fraternize with my devastatingly handsome head of Marine detail again? Now, though, you're a fellow Spectre,_ _**and** _ _you outrank me..._ _**Major** _ _. I think that means you're the one who'd get in trouble this time... if they even cared. They don't, though. But why wouldn't I want to... do this again? I love you, Kaidan. I've never stopped thinking about you."_

_"I'm... so happy, Shepard. I never thought I'd be so happy. But... wait, who doesn't care?"_

_"I'm glad," Shepard replied to his first statement, tilting her head so her lips brushed his neck as she spoke. "Anderson and Hackett, they don't care. So I've heard, anyway. They're not about to break us up, I think because they know we're better together."_

_Stunned, and perhaps reacting to the brush of her lips on his neck, Kaidan's hand went lax around Shepard's for a moment until he gripped it more tightly. "I... wow. I didn't know that. Guess I probably shouldn't thank them or anything, but... that means a lot, Shepard."_

_"It does. Remind me to tell you some time how the Admiral and I know each other. But for now..." She raised her head to look into Kaidan's eyes and leaned forward to brush her lips against his sweetly. "Not that I'm not enjoying just sitting here with you, looking at the stars, but... there's a perfectly good bed upstairs in my cabin. Want to come up and give it a try? I'm sure we could come up with_ _**some** _ _kind of use for it."_

_Kaidan's eyes darkened as he caught Shepard's meaning, and he cupped her cheek with his free hand, leaning in for a long, lingering kiss. "Sounds lovely," he replied, his voice gone deep and husky. "Lead the way."_

Kaidan caught himself staring at the couch they'd shared after their date and wiped impatiently at the tears that had filled his eyes. He really had been so happy, but once again, their time had been cut short... In the end, though, at least he had these memories, and he pushed himself to his feet, sighing.

It hurt, as he'd said, but he almost felt as if some wound had been lanced and cleaned. He missed Shepard, always would, and it probably wouldn't get better for awhile, but suddenly, Kaidan thought, it **would** get better. And she'd be waiting for him. While he hated that she couldn't be there, at least he had his memories, and had heard her final words, knew she'd be waiting for him. At least he had that...


	10. Coda

Now that he was safely back in his quarters aboard the Normandy, Javik headed straight for his calming pool, holding his hands above it as he tried to center himself. The device he'd used to project Shepard's hologram was behind him, and close enough to be in range for his vocal command, repeating his own name as he had for so many others. "Javik." He didn't bother looking behind him to see the image that floated above the device. He'd seen enough of Shepard's battered body in seeing to her last wishes that the image had been burned into his mind, probably forever.

"Javik..." These had truly been her last words, if the rough edge to her voice was any indication. "If you've done what I asked, mere words aren't enough to express my gratitude."

As she often had in the recordings he'd played for others, she paused often to cough or catch her breath, so much so that he'd become accustomed to the cadence of it.

"I can only imagine how difficult it's been. I know my crew well enough to know how they all would have reacted. But Javik... don't underestimate them. And don't underestimate yourself. I know we're just primitives to you, that you think emotion is weak, but... I hope that this has made you think otherwise. Or, at least, has made you think that maybe some of this has some value to us, even if you don't understand it yourself."

Her next pause was lengthy, giving Javik ample time to realize how right she was. He'd never understand their emotions, not really, but at least he could now grasp how important they were to all the various species of this cycle. For so many of them, their emotions gave them such a strength that he'd never imagined they'd be able to claim. It was illuminating, and humbling, to come to those realizations.

As if she'd heard his thoughts beyond the grave, her raspy voice echoed through his chamber once again. "Don't sell yourself short, Javik. It took a lot to be able to do this, too. And..." Again, she paused to cough, and he could hear the scrape of armor as she tried to move; glancing over his shoulder, he noticed that she'd had to pause to wipe blood from the corner of her mouth, and again, he was amazed at **her** strength. "I know you said you wanted to find your platoon and make your end there. Think about sticking around, though. I know Liara'd love to have your help, and you still have a lot of insight to offer about the cultures that came before us. Just... think about it."

He watched as the image of Shepard closed her eyes and relaxed visibly, as if she'd finally said all she felt she needed to before the end. "One last thing, Javik... for as long as you do stick around... keep an eye on them. My crew. They're good people. The best. They'll just need a little nudge..."

The image of Shepard faded, and as it did, Javik's senses expanded to the whole of the ship once more, and he realized that she was right. Their grief was still there, but rather than an all-consuming ache, for most of them, it was a healing sort of pain. It was similar to his own hurt, he thought - it had taken all this time, and the intervention and annoyance of a primitive human woman to break him out of the soup of grief and rage over the passing of his entire empire. Perhaps he **would** stay for a while and help the asari, there was value in that, as the Commander had suggested.

They'd be all right in the end, he realized, as soon as that thought had crossed his mind. Even himself.

 

**Author's Note:**

> As the tags indicate, this was written for the Mass Effect Big Bang, Spring 2013. Many many thanks to the organizers, and my beta. This one was a labor of love, especially considering how much I really, really hated the default ME3 ending. Still, this idea took hold and would not let go. Extra special thanks to Minque, who made the amazing artwork that you see here, which really brought the story to life for me in a whole new way.


End file.
